BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN

DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened. stand on hind legs
and hammer or scratch with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand hallway in and out
and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at
all costs.

CHAIRS and RUGS:
If you have to throw up. get to a chair quickly. if you cannot manage in time.
get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing
up on the carpet. make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s
bare foot.

BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything-
just sit and stare.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping” otherwise known as
“hampering.” Following are the rules for “hampering”:

When supervising cooking, sit or lie just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes, and book, unless
you can lie across the book itself.

For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important
part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or
knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the
aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great
hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to hamper! First, sit
on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push
pens. pencils. and erasers off the table, one at a time.
When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump
on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human,
especially; on stairs when they have something in their arms, in the dark. and
when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

PLAY:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you
are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite eat games
that you can play. It is important though to maintain one’s dignity at all times.
If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair.
Immediately wash a part of your body as if to say “I MEAN l to do that!” It
fools those humans every time.

PAPER BAGS:
Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be
the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the
crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the hag. Anything, up to and
including shredding the bag, can he done to kill them. Note: any other eat you
may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which
will usually result in a great Tag match.

FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep. play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating,
however. is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. (fats have two
ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must he
fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting
fed.

When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their
dishes when they are not looking.

Never eat food from your own howl if you can steal some from the table.

Never drink from your own water howl if a human‘s glass is full enough to
drink from.

Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent – your food will usually not be so polite and try to
leave.

Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the dignity of a cat to beg outright for
food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for
ensuring that the humans don’t forget you exist. These include, but are not
limited to: jumping onto the lap of the “soflest” human and purring loudly;
lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the
Direct Stare, and twining around people’s legs as they sit and eat while
meowing plaintively.

SLEEPING:
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing. a cat must get
plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl
up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your
fur color.
If it’s in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. or
course. good places also exist outdoors, hut have the disadvantages of being
seasonal and-dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as
rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

SCRATCHING POSTS:
it is advised that eats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They
are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly
if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when
they ”aren’t around won’t help, as they are very observant. If you are an
outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us. to play with and give
attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one’s
dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of
the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can he taught if you start
early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

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