Changes at the North Pole

Subject: Organizational Change: at the North Pole
Date: December 2, 2020 4:10AM

To: Public release
Re: Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early
reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal or concern about whether
they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North
Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the north Pole’s loss of dominance of
the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels, Amazon and mail order
catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share. He could not sit idly by and
permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model
Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction
in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the
North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s tale will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in
the strongest possible language; the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that
way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who
was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an
unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context
at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today‘s global challenges require the North role
to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately,
the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of
Christmas” subsidiary:

– The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;


– The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not he
condoned. The position: one therefore eliminated;

– The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
the French;

– The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system. with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who
the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

– The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious
metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

– The six-geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate as one egg per goose
pet day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure
management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore
enhance their outplacement;

– As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward
mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;


– Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the stops;

– Ten Lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Congressman. While leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
expect an oversupply of unemployed Congressmen this year;

– Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on
new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to
the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial. reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries
over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service
levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney‘a
Association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen
lawyers-a-suing”) action is pending.


Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the
right number.

V/R,

S . CLAUS

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