Network Pie

To the tune of “American Pie”(the 7 minute version) by Don Mclean

A long long time ago
I can still remember how the newsgroups used to make me smile.
And I knew if I’d had my way I’d have something clever to say,
Or at least flame articles that weren’t my style.
But I found net.religion boring;
Net.waterbeds left me snoring.
Liberals and right wingers were net.politics mudslingers.
I can’t remember if I could laugh when 10 people flamed my speling gaffe.
But net.women.only was undistaff the day net.wombat died.

So …
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won’t you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I’m sure to die … If rejected I’m sure to die.

Did you say you love net.books?
Are worms your name for computer crooks if “a hacker” fits you so?
Now do you believe in net.jokes.d?
Can you pay without an ID if your purchase is 90 bucks or so?
Well I know that you can sympathize; net.tv leaves me hypnotized.
But you can always choose to discuss six Doctor Whos.
I wrote anonymously to net.flame; in net.jokes I used another name.
But I knew it would all be the same the day net.wombat died.

I started singing …
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won’t you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I’m sure to die … If rejected I’m sure to die.

Now for ten years we’ve all been on line the unix-wizards are doing fine,
But that’s not how it used to be
When wombats were still quite unknown, before we left net.test alone
And New Yorkers had to sin illegally.
Oh but while our machine had gone down we could not get our mail from Brown
Or the whole Pacific Coast. So could you all please repost?
And while driving home I was tailgated for leaving my jokes unrotated.
No sanity was demonstrated the day net.wombat died.

We were singing …
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won’t you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I’m sure to die … If rejected I’m sure to die.

Astro.expert and/or bio.expert and soon net.battle.of.the.sexpert
Because no one could find a better name.
Net.caveat or net.consumer; perhaps net.ripoff or net.product.humor
Or net.what.company.should.we.blame?
Well, I think you should be arrested (Your parentheses were (triply) nested!)
I would have followed up … Oh, but my note was swallowed up!
Vegetarians ranted and the hunters raved; the Whoppers were McMicrowaved.
Do you recall what files we saved the day net.wombat died?

We started singing …
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won’t you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I’m sure to die … If rejected I’m sure to die.

And there we were all in one place – maybe net.astro or perhaps net.space
With no time left to start again.
So come on – Bio fans, please be patient while physicists discuss creation
and net.tv.da comes to a fiery end.
And as I watched it on the screen, my hands got tense, my face grew mean.
No M.O.any-S. could clean up this net.mess
And the news arrived at this network site with the results of the long fight –
Wombat haters chuckled with delight … the day net.wombat died.

We were singing …
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won’t you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I’m sure to die … If rejected I’m sure to die.

I met a woman (that’s not a girl!) and asked for news from the wombat world
But she just smiled and turned away.
I saw a clever bumper sticker that years ago would make me snicker
But it couldn’t even raise a smile today.
And on the net chess players gamed, joke readers laughed, and insultees flamed,
But it had all been tried … I committed net.suicide.
And the newsgroups I enjoyed the most were shut down; no one cared to post.
Users logged off from coast to coast the day net.wombat died.

And they were singing …
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won’t you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I’m sure to die … If rejected I’m sure to die.

They were singing …
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won’t you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I’m sure to die.

Author : Ken Kaufman <kaufman@uiucdcs.UUCP> Copyright (c) MCMLXXXIV by Ken Kaufman (if it matters)
Posted without permission.

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